bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

nothing ever turns out the way i expect.

i still don't really know what i want but i know what i don't want.

so that's a good start, right?

i'm moving back to the bronx & will be sharing a room with my sister. it will be like having a sleep over with one of my best friends every night. either that, or we'll kill eachother. (given our volatile history, i'm giving us a week of bliss then world war 3 will be in full effect)

also, i have my mom to cook for me so now i won't go to bed hungry every night. to be honest, that's what i'm most excited about :/

(that could go horribly wrong though cause well, you know)

i will miss long island. but most of all, i'll miss my niece.

but sometimes change is good. i'm done being unhappy.

saw district 9.

it blew my mind.

but then again, it doesn't take much, i'm easily impressed. (kinda)

I know a girl from Baltimore

"You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment... this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing... stop living. Just... stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close."

how do you fall even more in love with someone who isn't here anymore?

i want you so bad.

i want that ring so fucking bad.

i might  just save up the $130 to get it. 

orrr i could ask for it for christmas.

i can see it on my fingers & i know it would look sooo good.

starting a fund in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.

i took these on my VERY high res camera phone ( don't worry, momma loves you) and the quality is appaling.

this is a good friend's backyard. amazing, i know.

i love these boys.  i couldn't have asked for a better weekend than the one they gave me. i haven't felt that peaceful in almost a year :/

applying for jobs is disgusting. i feel like i'm prostituting myself and i don't like it. i hate trying to impress people and talking myself up. it's weird but i have to do it. and i've only applied online. interviews are gonna be greaaate. if i get any, that is.

 

2 of my bestests are going back to college soon. boo.

apparently their educations are far more important than making me happy & keeping me company but for the first time in a long time, i think i'll be ok. of course i'll miss them but i'm not scared of being without them. that's a first for me. it amazes me how far i've come. for years i've been annoyingly introverted and now i'm kinda over it. my social awkwardness flares up every once in a while (kinda like herpes but a lot less gross) but for the most part, i can handle it. 

 

fall is almost here. you know what that means? new clothes! fuck i love clothes. i wish i didn't have such expensive/awesome taste. it's heartbreaking, really. 

now that that has been said... enjoy.

Hey, if you ever need a Kato, you know where to find me.

lately i've been having some weird dreams. but that's nothing new.  i try to write them down in my phone right when i wake up. i always read them later on in the day and they're pretty crazy. here's an excerpt from one i had about a week ago.

" he said i love you. he looked freaked out that he had said it so i told him it was okay. we made plans to see each other again. then zombies came after me. i could fly away from them and i solved some code and saved everyone. everyone except for kim and kourtney kardashian."

what. the. fuck.

i'm pretty sure the "he" i was referring to was none other than robert pattinson ( i am in no way immune to his beautifulness and greasy hair, i don't care if he smells i just wanna be on him). i remember feeling so proud of myself for solving the code and saving everyone. like i was so pumped for the day. who wouldn't be? i saved a shitload of people! except for 2 but who's counting, right? either way,  i love dreaming.

i was listening to a song today (like always) and it now has wormed itself into my brain and refuses to leave.

"Girl, you looks good, won't you back that ass up 
You'se a fine motherfucker, won't you back that ass up 
Call me big daddy when you back that ass up 
Hoe, who is you playing with, back that ass up"

thank you, juvenile. i can't get it out of my head. seriously. subsequently, i find myself backing it up more than usual.

i've been going out with friends a lot more. it's fun. i just wish that everyone i know and love could hang out together. it probably will never happen cause everyone is scattered all over & most don't even really know each other but it would be awesome. if i could, i'd build my own little town and move everyone i love there so we'd always be together. i just disgusted myself a little bit with my utopian dream. next, i'll start vomiting rainbows. 

i am in possession of a perfectly legal copy of g.i joe. i'm so excited, i should have a penis. 

i ate the candy apple, it sucked. so much so, that i'm thinking of deleting the post i wrote about it.

this picture made my day. i can only hope it makes yours :/

Can you dig it?

to a very special friend. you know who you are.

by far one of the kindest souls i've ever known.

someone i can always count on to make me laugh and join me in whatever crazy thing i'm talking about.

i love you.

i know you're having a very hard time & you don't know how much i wish i was always with you. just to show you that i'm here & always will be no matter horrible you think you are.

thank you for being my friend, boo.

(by the way, all of my other friends are rad & will get their own posts soon enough. )

Have you ever transcended space and time?

i have a candy apple i'm dying to eat.

two actually, but i only have eyes for the one covered in caramel & peanuts.

does this merit a blog?

of course.

The truth just sounds different

if i' m not careful, i'll end up like this lovely lady

i want so desperately to want something.

since i can't find anything i really want other than delusions of grandeur, which include being a great musician, marrying a great and handsome musician, touring with great musicians, taking part in only great independent films with musicians, maybe? and of course being on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and winning a la slumdog style, i've decided to try some things i only kinda want.

this upcoming year i'm gonna try to make a big change in my life. not cause i want to, but because i need to. as much as it's gonna annoy the shit out of me, i'm gonna give school another try. i'm sick of people saying, "why aren't you in school?" and "you're too smart to let it go to waste". personally, i don't think i need college cause i'm pretty confident in my smartassness, thank you very much but it couldn't hurt, right? and i've always kinda wanted to be able to quote Tolstoy and Nietzsche in casual conversation just like those fast talking Dawson's Creek kids. that alone makes me kinda excited for school again.

this might hurt me the most. finding an additional job. i'm kinda one of those livesintheirhead people who doesn't really pay attention to things that really matter and is terrified of other people so i have no idea who would hire me. i do know that i'm not too happy with just taking care of my niece and hanging out. i've become a mother to child that isn't mine. if that's not reminiscent of  Rebecca De Mornay in "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" then i don't know what is. (just kidding, i'm nowhere near as obsessive/hot/crazy as she was) i love her and i would do anything for her but it has stopped being enough. i know, it's quite shocking even to me that i'm craving more physical interaction than a 2 year old and a bat shit crazy dog so i guess it has to happen. i don't really care where i work as long as i'm not thinking so much. i'm not too good for myself. my only bad influence is me.

the thought of not looking like complete shit has also crossed my mind. so i guess i could work on that too. my sister and i thought it would be a great idea to throw away all of our crap clothes so that we're forced to buy new ones. it's kind of a must now cause it turns out she bitched out on me and i now have very little to wear. being crazy is okay but apparently looking it is unacceptable. sweet. didn't get that memo :/

voluteering is something i've always had great interest in. those babies with the flies buzzing around them break my heart and i'd give anything to save them but i'm gonna try to help on a smaller scale first. gotta crawl before you walk, right? my sister doesn't know it yet, but she's gonna be in on this one with me. maybe local hospitals, animal shelters... you are in my sights.

it upsets me how i've become semi content in the life i've been leading. if i was on the outside looking in, i 'd totally think i was a failure or that i just gave up. i don't want that. even though something horrible happened to me, i need to prove to myself that i'm stronger than this, that i might never be as happy or fullfilled but that i can atleast have some kind of a normal life. i'm still fairly young so i'm hoping doing these things will help make me into a woman cause i know i can't be a dumb kid forever. i just don't know when i'm supposed to get this feeling where i'm like, "holy shit, i'm a woman now!" getting my period didn't do it for me and neither did having sex (although it's been so long that i'm thinking about reclaiming my virginity) so maybe this will? i don't know but i have to atleast try. if it doesn't work then i'm just gonna have to go to plan b: have my own baby(i'm aware of the irony). or i could trek my ass off to africa and help those babies. who knows?

with that being said,

god bless bansky

Those rainy days ain't so bad when you're the KINGS

i couldn't love this band anymore if i tried.

saying they're amazing is almost as ridiculous as saying we need to breathe to stay alive.

well, duhh.

Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.

i'd like to share something wonderful.

i know at first glance this may look like your ordinary, run of the mill paper bag but i assure you, it's so much more.

that is called a sweetie bag

my very good friend Jeff (insert picture of amazing friend, artist, hottie ect. here) let me in on this phenom one night when we were having one of our usual "remember this candy?" conversations. what you do is buy a bunch of candy, take off all the wrappers (well i do anyway) and put them in that bag. you can mix different flavors and textures. no liquids for obvious reasons. all you do is shake the fucker, stick your hand in and enjoy!

it's sounds pretty basic and simple but there are 2 types of sweetie bags

the poor man's sweetie bag:  also known as the "shitty bag". it's pretty popular nowadays, with the recession and all, though i'm sure you won't find anyone bragging about these. what you do is just fill the bag up with any kind of candy you can find that won't break the bank. you'd be likey to find candy corn, butterscotch's, mints, maybe a candy cane or two, ginger candy... pretty much all the stuff you don't really want to eat but would had you no other choice. now i wouldn't wish this sweetie bag on anyone, but times are hard and i've always been a fan of mint so go nuts. sadly, assorted nuts might be in there and that's how you would know for sure that things were going the wrong way. just don't share, eat really quickly, keep it moving and no one will notice.

the luxury sweetie bag: now we're talking! it's also known as "the ill sweetie" or "the ballin-est sweetie". it's the exact opposite of the "shitty bag" i mentioned before. load it up with tons of good stuff, don't be cheap. leave no great candy unturned. be daring. throw some chocolate in there. work at it. search online for candies that you loved in your childhood. make sure that sweetie bag is the best sweetie bag it can possibly be. you have the chance to make something great. don't half ass it,  it won't go unnoticed. 

by the way, it HAS to be a brown paper bag. if not, just don't try it. don't insult me or Jeff. most importantly, don't insult yourself. oh and please don't try to do a hybrid of the 2 bags.

it won't work :/ <---- you'll be seeing that guy ALOT. 

i'll leave you with this:

Jeff drew it & i love it. (i love him too)

By the way, it says BALLS on your face

well this should be interesting...

i kinda got sucked into to writing this to appease my best friend (the lovely and VERY available Tay) i'm not sure if what i have to say or how i feel about things will interest others but as long as i can make her laugh, then i've achieved my goal. so what else is there? i like green tea, music & boys. (preferably boys who play music & drink green tea) if i had my way, super skinny boys would not be allowed to wear v - necks. it's just wrong. i have an unhealthy obsession with all things funny. i love singing. coincidentally, i'm a great swimmer. i take care of my niece and do anything that keeps me from  growing up. i would've made an amazing hippie. or groupie. my favorite fact is that the most common name in the world is Mohammed. my buddy Fogel let me in on that gem & he's pretty smart so i trust him. oh and :/ recently became my favorite emoticon after :) was crushed in the competition. 

on that note, i'll leave you with this:

CREEPY