it's official. i'm in love with summer.

visions of my summer :)

i thought i'd never see the day where i was sad that summer was over.

anyone who knows me knows that i hate summer and anything summer related.

heat, sweating (eww), sunburns, exposed skin... not for me. at least that's what i thought. i spent most of the summer half naked in dresses and flips flops, going to the beach, movies, clubs (only gay ones, of course) and hanging out with friends. manicure pedicures became a huge part of my life. as well as shavers, sunscreen and sand. i couldn't have asked for a better summer.

summer obsessions

• zachary quinto
• alexa chung
• true blood. so good it hurts. i find myself speaking in a southern accent for hours after watching this show. my favorite lines to say are vampire bill's :)
• clothes
• pinkberry
• vegetarianism ( yeah i made the change, it kinda sucks sometimes)
• twitter (so guilty of over tweeting. twitter.com/ashlazarus)
• wizards of waverly place, hannah montanna & icarly
• super hero cartoons
• kol
• 500 days of summer. best intro ever: "The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch."
• tlc
• the wedding channel
• g4 (cheaters + ninja warrior = AMAZING)
• gay men. can't get enough of them.

LOVE.

my best friend & i spent as much time together as possible. i fell even more in love with her. i'm so happy to have met this wonderful, beautiful & hilarious girl even though i kinda hated her at first. you know it's meant to be when you both start crying while watching a disney movie & aren't embarrassed to tell each other about it.

(I LOVE YOU PISTOL!)

louie, the only boy who can tell me what to do, took me on wild adventures that i will never forget. it's been almost 9 years and i don't see myself ever letting go of his friendship. i know he loves me and he proves it all the time. i can only hope i'm proving it to him too.

my sister nickey and i became really close and i'm so glad to say she is one of the only people i know i can trust with anything. i'm excited to start a new chapter of my life with her in it as my friend and confidant. 

i have found myself full of love for my family. 

MUSIC.

where do i start? my taste in music has always been great (except for my brief goth stage in middle school) but it has definitely evolved and the stuff i've been listening to has been helping to keep me sane this entire season. for some reason i mellowed out quite a bit (though you'll never catch me listening to soft rock or anything) and branched out into old country music. loretta lynn is my favorite. stevie nicks does give her a good run her her money though ;) as if i don't talk about them enough, kings of leon never cease to amaze me. i've been listening to aha shake heartbreak for maybe 3 months straight and i haven't found anything wrong with it. bon iver, amazing. jack white, there are no words.  went to a paramore/ no doubt concert and experienced what a great show really looks like. definitely one of the best days of my life. i also saw a beatles cover band and that's the closest i will ever get and i must say, they were great.

here are some videos i could not stop watching:

thid made me laugh so hard. but i get it if no one else thinks it's funny.

LIFE

everything has changed. come this fall, i will (hopefully) have a new job, semi new home and different goals. this summer was what i needed. i grew up in a lot of ways. i have changed so much and i know i'm becoming a woman. i have grown to love myself and be strong for myself and not let anything get me down. i feel like i can do so much now. i'm a ton more confident than i've ever been & more independent as well. not that i'm not very confident or very independent but compared to before, it's a big difference. last year at this time, it's almost like i was a completely different person with different goals and dreams. i put all of of my love and devotion into someone else and never thought about myself as an individual. i was a part of something amazing but that was taken away and i had to be me again, just me. and it will be that way for a very long time. quite possibly for the rest of my life. letting go of who i was is one of the hardest things i have had to do. it's been almost a year and they way i feel has not changed. my heart is still broken, i love him more than anything, i still have those woe is me days where it seems like nothing will ever be ok and i miss him every single day but i know that there's room for me to love myself and the people in my life other than ryan.  that became so apparent to me in the last couple of months when i found myself feeling happy because of the time i was spending with my friends and family. i am still alive, i didn't die along with him although for a long time it felt like i had. i can only hope to make him proud by leading my life in a way that he would approve of and so far, i'm think i'm doing good job.