PRIDE

my best friends and i went to the gay pride parade today in the west village. it was so much fun, so hot and kinda shocking but i knew that it would be a little crazy. aterwards, we hung at the pier and soaked up some sun. what made the day so much better was that my little sister, mother and future brother in law came downtown to hang out with me. i haven't seen that bitch in a week. me and nickey played at the park and tried to cool off in the sprinklers. it was a wonderful day. i'm definitely going to sleep happy :)

these hands

so pretty :)

as long as i can remember, i've always been quite obsessed with hands. i love looking at them. in fact, it's what i do when i'm the the train. i just scope out hands. i also love holding hands. if i'm with my little sister, i'm always holding her hand. maybe it's because i don't like my own hands and i always want to see what other people are working with. don't know why i decided to make a post about my fixation but i just spent 2 hours looking at pictures of hands and i figured i was obsessed enough to write about it.

just a thought

 maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will receive all of you, every last bit of you that there is to give. after that, unfortunately you learn better. most of all, a piece of you forever remains in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. that piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever (and it can). it holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you'll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back. it holds the inside jokes and knowing smiles. it holds youth and everything you thought love would be, almost everything that was proven to be wrong. still, i'm thankful  for it. even when i'm alone with a pain in my chest so severe that i think if it doesn't go away, i just might die, i'm thankful. i'm not scared to love again anymore. if fact, i already do. i can appreciate things in a way i never thought possible. it's all worth it. every last tear and sleepless night. but of course, now i'm more careful ;)

me duele la boca

PARK THE CAR

DROP THE PHONE

LAY ON THE FLOOR

DREAM OF ME 

sorry i'm not more interesting.

"You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot. "
word.

it's been a while. too lazy to write out all that's been going on so i'll give a quick run down.

been sick. had every symptom and remedy under the sun and still sick. chloe grace was born on may 28. she's gorgeous and i love her so much already. can't hold her much on account of this mystery illness. i hate that she's a gemini. a jar of nutella is the wall paper on my phone, i'm that dedicated.  ben visits and fights with me a lot. i can't sing like i used to but dammit it, i try. my room can never stay clean. my little sister kinda sorta moved out. mom has been really nice to me. i start volunteer work at an animal shelter in 2 weeks, so excited. new york city in the summer is unbearable but there's no place else i'd rather be. lots of third eye blind for some reason. movie and ice cream dates with nick. just plain movie dates with my boys. the long island railroad sucks. best friends aren't what they used to be. found nemo. i miss you, jeff and your smell is almost gone. i miss breathing normally and pronouncing words that don't have b's in them correctly. i've become more than a little bit obsessed with john green, the man is me, in man form. spending lots of time with rayne, my genius of a 7 year old baby sister. turns out, she's crazier than we thought. that's pretty much it.

http://ashlazarus.tumblr.com/ 

in a galaxy far, far away

IS THIS FOR REAL?

if so, somebody needs to buy me this

the last week has been full of unwanted + unnecessary stress. i decided to be completely honest with a friend and since the truth hurts, it got pretty ugly.  i don't want to lose my friend so we've been trying to work shit out  but once we make progress, it's instantly ruined by jealousy and all around stupidity. i can take being insulted but this is getting kinda ridiculous. i understand that i hurt someone but no matter what i do, this person won't let me forget it. at this point, i'm barely sorry. so quit being an asshole, you.

xx

as of mayo doce

i would love to say i've been really busy but i kinda haven't.

just been hanging out with myself for a bunch and i love it. i'm sure it'll get old soon. 

my best friend came to visit from California last week and i realized how much i had truly missed her. it always feels like we never have enough time together but she'll be back in august :)

been spending some time with my boys too. i love, love, love them.

at g lounge for jesse's birthday   

at louis + jesse's bbq on saturday

the lovely hosts :)

in the "Miami" kitchen. it was really windy, so excuse the horrible 80's hair.

i spent mother's day at my grandma's house with my sisters and momma. can't wait till i get to celebrate it myself! (in many, many years)

 aileen + taisha are coming home for the summer in a couple of days. i'm so happy i don't have to miss them anymore. wish i didn't have to miss jeff but i'm gonna try to make it a priority to get myself to him cause he's way too busy to come here. or so he says... 

summer is almost here.

i'm happy.

for now. 

xx

tikkun olam

"The way you’re moving in your sleep, the way you look before you leap, the strange illusions that you keep, you don’t know… but I’m noticing."


it'd be nice if you notice back. 

Buffalo, NY PT 2

by some miracle, i made it up to buffalo again this weekend.

my friend vicky drove us up there. we left friday afternoon and it took about 6 hours but the fact that we were singing our hearts out to 90's music the whole way made it seem like we were barely on the road. we also stopped at a sonic in bartonsville, pa. sonic commercials are the best but i had actually never been and i was not disappointed. their drinks are delicious. vick might be my favorite person to be driven somewhere by ever. 

i was so happy to see my best friends aileen and taisha again. that same night, a bunch of friends came over and as soon as the alcohol appeared, my self control disappeared. 11 shots later i was sick as fuck and passed out. needless to say, i didnt drink the rest of the weekend. 

the next day we made fun of how drunk i was and nursed our respective hangovers with burger king and showers. jeffrey came over for a bit then we hit up the falls again. i cant thank him enough for taking me there and pumping me with tons of fall knowledge. the boy knows his shit. i spent the rest of the night and most of the next day with him. we ate candy and fucked each other up, it was great. when i finally got back to campus, i was welcomed with a game of never have i ever and some uno. we just chilled all night and today me and vick headed home. 6 hours, the same 90's songs from the ride up there and a speeding ticket later, i'm home. and i really dont want to be. 

the end.

CELLAR DOOR

"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful." 

well, i'm gonna have to agree. unless cock ring is like a legit combo. if so, cellar door my dear, you are beat. 

zoo.

pretty much self explanatory. saw a bunch of animals, they smelled. it was awesome.

BUFFALO.

(didnt take many pictures but i'll sum it up real quick)

tattoo shop+old applesauce+sanwidges+lamda aide+ random parties+sweet sunglasses+french fries+boob flashes+vagina flashes (couldn't forget those if i tried)+nysnc AND backstreet boys singalongs+jennifer's body+lime green jell-o+evil dead+lip hickies+a shitload of candy+niagara falls at night+casino+lame bars+zipline mike+jessica james+all night laughing sessions (among other things)+riding in a car while it's being towed+bff fights+bff make ups+nose licks+book shopping+shopping for hours in the same fucking store+chinese buffet+LOVE+tshirts and stilettos+3 day vacation extension+cranberry and vodkas (hold the vodka)+waking up taisha from her sleep,everyday+ronald jenkees+everyone using my nail polish+dirty hair+looking for alaska+less than zero+old skate videos+hugs+5 minute naps+enough "i love you's" to last me a life time = THE ILLEST VACATION EVER.

i and love and you.

avett brothers. check em outtt

i've got friends in all the right places.

so my best friends finally came home for spring break. 

this is what it looked like:

a bunch of us went to a Mexican restaurant called "blockheads" on 2nd ave. it was so much fun. who fist pumps, sings happy birthday (multiple times, for no reason), does the wave + plays telephone during dinner? 

right outside my job after tay & i went to see the "last song" on friday. the movie was horrible just like i knew it would be but the quality time was what mattered :)

BOOKS!

so excited to read 'em. i'm kind of a sci fi series whore so i had to get them all.

looking into buying some of john green's book this week.

just got home from my sister's baby shower. i can't wait till she pops that thang out so i can play with my new niece. this week has really been amazing couldn't ask for a better one. i went shopping like a maniac (AGAIN)  and bought things some really good stuff for the summer. i saw "paperheart" and it wasn't as good as i'd hoped it would be. i was sick for a part of the week but i was nursed by my best friend who broke my fever and now i'm almost at 100 percent. been drinking tea twice a day & it's been working. work is work, i can't complain. i have a whole week off to do whatever i want + im going to buffalo for 4 days. i can't wait to leave the city behind for a little while. i love nyc but i need a rest from the bums & all around stench of the city. im so excited to see everyone.there's so much that i don't have but i can't help but feel thankful for all that i do have. so if you're a part of my life; THANK YOU.

sick, sick , sick

its been a crazy couple of weeks. who knew backseats and elevators could be so fun? my best friend left after an awesome weekend and work has been more than okay due to a strange turn of events. i requested a couple of days off to go up to buffalo to visit my wonderful friends soon. beyond excited, this has been a long time coming.

 my mom is on vacation in Puerto Rico so my grandparents have been staying at my house. i wish they didn't have to leave :( i'll miss seeing them everyday.

  last Saturday my sister and i went to a housewarming party for my favorite couple in the world which was a lot of fun. i got them a set of knives. apparently, they were very happy.

by some miracle, i managed to catch a cold. i haven't gotten sick in years. here i was thinking i'm bruce willis in unbreakable when i'm really just a normal sickly human. not too happy about it. i'm sure no one likes being sick but i fucking hate it. snot galore, mouth breathing, yellow, greasy skin... no thanks. we'll see how long this bullshit lasts. till then i got this to help

tea + vicks. the true loves of my life

i have so much to do but everytime i have time off, i just chill with myself and can't seem to get a move on shit. i bought 3 new books (courtesy of the barnes & noble giftcard my best friend gave me) Nightlight, the angel expreminet & MAX. they were all pretty good. i also read nicholas sparks' the last song and totally cried like a baby. he gets me everytime. so i've been pretty busy with those. i have to get around to buying some more this week (best friend is coming back this weekend!!!!). i've been buying lots of stuff for the summer, im excited to finally not have have to wear real shoes or clothes. i just need some sweet new nail polish + dresses. it's very exciting.

my skin has been driving me insane lately so i've been using my proactive mask like crazy. all is well now.

 by the way, envy the man that eventually gets to come home to this

i'm gonna regret this

TOP THAT

it was my niece's 3rd birthday last friday. 

i can't believe she's growing up so fast. i still remember when she first said "ash" & now she tells me what to do. it's a really surreal feeling but i love seeing her become her own little person.

my best friend was here & we had way too much fun with my camera + the color features on it + white zinfandel + winnie the pooh cupcakes (long story). it was great. i missed her way too much. she gave me a very special gift & it wasn't herpes. i can't wait till she comes back cause she'll be bringing another one of my best friends along with her :D

 i'll make my own motherfucking happiness. i'm so lucky to have a great family + amazing friends. no more being sad or dwelling on things i can't change. i also vowed to make myself say "yes" whenever friends ask me to hang out. let's see if i can do it.

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

Daniel Johnston. How could I possibly explain how much you mean to me, buddy?

holy shit... it's been forever

i wish i could say that lots of awesome + new things have been going on, but i can't. i work, i come home, i fall into bouts of depression, i eat, i try to get sleep and that's it. i also obsess about a co worker who barely knows homegirl exists. it's getting old fast. i'm still funny as fuck though. it's kinda what keeps me going. and my boobs are awesome. so that's another plus.

just turned 22 and was sorely disappointed when i didn't receive any birthday sex. (crossing my fingers for next year) my best friend is coming to visit from buffalo this weekend. fuck sleeping :D