so it was my grandpa's 64th birthday oin saturday and in true puertorican fashion, we had to have a party. it was alot of fun,way more fun than i expected. i got to see my older sister and niece which is always a pleasure. of course, my mom got ridiculously drunk before i even got there so that is why she looks crazy in those pictures. she was the focus of me and sister's jokes for the entire evening. i swear i will never tire of making fun of her. she gets really angry at my little sister and for some reason loves me when she's drunk so you can imagine what kinda night that was. i couldn't get rid of her. my grandpa really enjoyed himself, not looking a day over 63. charlie wouldn't let me go and kept telling me, "titi ash, your hair is sooo looong". it was pretty adorable. my brother actually came to the party which was a surprise but it was good to have him there. he looks wasted, but that's just how he looks all the time. i guess being a junior highschool dropout and all around scumbag really takes a toll on you. i love the kid regardless. all in all it was a good time. i really do love my family. no matter how crazy we are.
i kinda love my manager now. he's actually really funny and sweet when he's not being mean. i feel bad for calling him a dick, even if it was only in my head (and to anyone who would listen) i'm pretty sure he either thinks i'm funny or weird cause now when he sees me, he always stops to talk. i hope this is a good thing. my favorite person at my job just came back from a 2 week vacation and i'm thrilled to have him back. his name is muhamed and he might be "good friend material". of course, my best friends have nothing to worry about... yet. i'm just saying. hanging with my turkish friend whose name i can still not pronounce sometime later this week. let's see how that goes. i hope he lets me take pictures of him. he has an interesting face.
lots of shit going on. when i say "lots" what i really mean is, just work. my wonderful mananger makes everyday an absolute joy. the guy loves me, i swear. it's kinda crazy how his name rhymes with dick. i find myself resisting the urge to call him one everytime i see him. i've even been having dreams about him being mean to me.
is nick jonas as important as tv? in my life he is.
i stole mr. salt & mrs. pepper from a lovely little place i won't mention cause i love that place.
sorry awesome place. i couldn't help it.
(this is for you tay)
these pumas saved my life. i wear them to work everyday. oh yes, that is glitter green.
my coworkers oggle them with envy.
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so a bunch of stuff has happened sinced i was here last. lost the cables for my camera. obviously, they have been found. in the top drawer of my dresser, which i go into every single day. it's always the last place you look right?
so... halloween. hung out in the village with a gaggle of ladies. too much fun to describe. met up with my turkish friend (still can't say his name) that i met 2 years ago. hadn't seen him since & never thought i would cause to be honest he's super nice & sweet but also super open about his deepest secrets. ask me to rank the quality prostitutes according to each country. yeah, he let me in on that. (the best are from russia) i'm gonna make an effort to see him more. i get the feeling that he's lonely. went to a gay party. left quickly as it turn in to an orgy about 10 minutes in. pretty sure i wasn't missed.
i started a new job. (in related news, i became good friends with the hairy girl. her name is nay & she's a pretty cool girl) i'm cashier #63 at a new costco (YAY!)that just opened in east harlem. go shop. seriously, please go shop. i get in trouble if there's no one at my register. it's been a rough start on account of the fact that my manger is the sweetest guy ever. ok, so not really. but i think i'm gonna be ok aside from the fact that we can't show cleavage. how am i supposed to get a husband? cause c'mon, i can't rely on my face. hopefully i don't get fired for being too cool for school or in this case, costco.
king louis had his birthday on the 5th of november.
being the absolute cunt diva that he is, we had to make the whole day about him & surprisingly, it was one of the best nights ever. i've always loved him but for some reason i find my self falling even more in love with him. i think it's because he's finally found his other half which has made him more fun to be around. he's always been great but now he's so happy it's hard not to always want to be with him and jesse. no one has ever treated me like he does. the boy loves me unconditionally & has seen me at my absolute worst & he still sticks around. i know he'd do anything for me. it's a great feeling to know that. i just hope he knows i would do the same. god really looked out for me when he put him in my life.
other than that, i've just been missing everyone. my best friends, aileen, deyanira, taisha & jeffrey. my niece, charlie (the little love of my life) & most importantly, ryan. i have louie & jesse to keep me company, as well as my sister but i always miss them. it gets hard when all your friends but 2 are so far away & you can't see them whenever you want. i love them all very much. especially ryan because all these people will come back into my life soon. but not him. in a few days, it will mark a year since he was taken from me. i never thought this would happen, i never thought i could love someone like that, let alone lose him. but i can't change it though i wish i could. i've become a different person & i love who i am. i don't think i've ever been this comfortable to be just me in a long time. i don't like that "everything happens for a reason" crap cause it's bullshit. but i do realize that it's ok to learn from these things and be better because of it. i've changed alot & there are some parts of me that will never change. when it comes to love i know in my heart in won't happen again. i'm ok with that, i think.
on a lighter note. lady gaga. going to her concert in january. ohmygod. maybe i'll finally find out if there's a difference between a disco stick & a vertigo stick. when you hang out with a lot of boys who love her, things like this become serious issues. so is knowing whether mariah carey is relevant or not anymore. we say no. i love being one of the only girls in a circle of gay boys. it's alot of fun & they always tell you you're pretty (even when you're not). this has been really long. hope i didn't bore anyone unless YOU'RE reading. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. just kidding, i like making up fake enemies sometimes just keep my friends on their toes. i love you all so much it hurts. even when it seems like i don't.
listen to kings of leon and life will be much better for you.
obviously, I saw Zombieland and it has become my favorite movie. this actually isn't a big deal cause I make everything my favorite something sooner or later. but it was amazing in every way. please go see this movie. Jesse Eisenberg is incredible. I'd be his Wichita any day for shizz.
I got a job!
it sucks but then again, it's work. it's always gonna suck. I'm just really glad I don't have to worry about money anymore. now I just have to worry about my poor feet falling off cause they are really taking a beating. there's this really hairy girl at my job who is really nice but I think the reason I like her is because I just can't stop staring at her abnormal hair growth. it's mean but I've never seen a girl with this magnitude of hairiness ever so forgive me if I'm a little star struck.
my best friend Johnny and i have been talking a lot lately and I want her home so bad. I miss her so much. I almost forgot how good we are together. she says North Carolina is full of crackheads. i asked how that was different from new york and she said that the ones in North Carolina are "more cracky". whatever that means.
my best friend Tay (keep up, i have about 5 best friends) came home for a couple of days. I was supposed to go back to buffalo with her for a week just to hang and spend qt w/ my bff but that got the axe when I got this job. I'm really bummed because I could really use that trip. I miss my friends in b-lo so bad. but I hope that I can make it to them soon. it's one of my main goals for the next couple of months. in related news, another main goal: get a new phone. this blackberry is killing me.
I'm happy. I can't complain about anything (except for my feet) Ryan's birthday is coming up. which also means it will be 1 year pretty soon. I'm sure I'll get sadder as it gets closer. I miss and love him like I never thought possible.
found this picture on my mom's camera. that's her foot. my cousin's boob also makes an appearance.
i moved back home.
now, for those of you who think that moving is fun, a good way to exercise or that your family will help you even just a little bit, you're mistaken. sure, all the these bruises on me could have been prevented if my mom would've gotten off her ass and helped me with a couple of things but i'm definitely not bitter or anything... i actually like looking like a battered wife. makes me seem more interesting.
so far, all is well. i doubt it will stay like that for long. my sister and i get along great sometimes but imagine trying to live with someone who doubts your geniusness (yes, i am aware, not a word) i'm just saying, there will be lots of googling in this house (on her part, cause i know my shit).
i've been listening to pete yorn & scarlett johansson's new album called "break up" non stop. i love every track and scarlett's voice is amazing in a very old, jazzy kinda way. pete has always been a favorite of mine (though i would never really admit it before now cause i used to be way too hardcore) i recommend the record to everyone. these two have found the perfect way to blend their voices/melodies/lyrics to make a seriously good album.
i've been reading so much lately and i'm thinking that's gonna stop cause it's getting in the way of my normal life (or lack thereof) i've read 3 books in 5 days. homegirl gotta chill. i also feel bad because they really didn't change my life in any way. most definitely guilty pleasures. i wanted to read books that meant something and that would help influence my life and now all i've been thinking about is how cool it would be to have sex with a vampire or how i wish i had a southern accent. (the sookie stackhouse novels. target had a sale. sue me) i'll get back on track and start reading schindler's list again sometime soon just to balance me out.
where the wild things are will be out in theaters soon. i'm excited beyond words. i know mr. spike jones did an amazing job just from the trailer alone (that's is the trailer's job though to make a movie look awesome) but don't take my word for it. check it outtt
i'm in the process of getting the new paramore album "brand new eyes". they never fail to impress. hayley's voice is out of this world. i've been a fan for a long time & i'm excited to hear how they've grown since"RIOT!". it should be goooood.
i thought i'd never see the day where i was sad that summer was over.
anyone who knows me knows that i hate summer and anything summer related.
heat, sweating (eww), sunburns, exposed skin... not for me. at least that's what i thought. i spent most of the summer half naked in dresses and flips flops, going to the beach, movies, clubs (only gay ones, of course) and hanging out with friends. manicure pedicures became a huge part of my life. as well as shavers, sunscreen and sand. i couldn't have asked for a better summer.
summer obsessions
zachary quinto
alexa chung
true blood. so good it hurts. i find myself speaking in a southern accent for hours after watching this show. my favorite lines to say are vampire bill's :)
clothes
pinkberry
vegetarianism ( yeah i made the change, it kinda sucks sometimes)
twitter (so guilty of over tweeting. twitter.com/ashlazarus)
wizards of waverly place, hannah montanna & icarly
super hero cartoons
kol
500 days of summer. best intro ever: "The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch."
tlc
the wedding channel
g4 (cheaters + ninja warrior = AMAZING)
gay men. can't get enough of them.
LOVE.
my best friend & i spent as much time together as possible. i fell even more in love with her. i'm so happy to have met this wonderful, beautiful & hilarious girl even though i kinda hated her at first. you know it's meant to be when you both start crying while watching a disney movie & aren't embarrassed to tell each other about it.
(I LOVE YOU PISTOL!)
louie, the only boy who can tell me what to do, took me on wild adventures that i will never forget. it's been almost 9 years and i don't see myself ever letting go of his friendship. i know he loves me and he proves it all the time. i can only hope i'm proving it to him too.
my sister nickey and i became really close and i'm so glad to say she is one of the only people i know i can trust with anything. i'm excited to start a new chapter of my life with her in it as my friend and confidant.
i have found myself full of love for my family.
MUSIC.
where do i start? my taste in music has always been great (except for my brief goth stage in middle school) but it has definitely evolved and the stuff i've been listening to has been helping to keep me sane this entire season. for some reason i mellowed out quite a bit (though you'll never catch me listening to soft rock or anything) and branched out into old country music. loretta lynn is my favorite. stevie nicks does give her a good run her her money though ;) as if i don't talk about them enough, kings of leon never cease to amaze me. i've been listening to aha shake heartbreak for maybe 3 months straight and i haven't found anything wrong with it. bon iver, amazing. jack white, there are no words. went to a paramore/ no doubt concert and experienced what a great show really looks like. definitely one of the best days of my life. i also saw a beatles cover band and that's the closest i will ever get and i must say, they were great.
here are some videos i could not stop watching:
thid made me laugh so hard. but i get it if no one else thinks it's funny.
LIFE
everything has changed. come this fall, i will (hopefully) have a new job, semi new home and different goals. this summer was what i needed. i grew up in a lot of ways. i have changed so much and i know i'm becoming a woman. i have grown to love myself and be strong for myself and not let anything get me down. i feel like i can do so much now. i'm a ton more confident than i've ever been & more independent as well. not that i'm not very confident or very independent but compared to before, it's a big difference. last year at this time, it's almost like i was a completely different person with different goals and dreams. i put all of of my love and devotion into someone else and never thought about myself as an individual. i was a part of something amazing but that was taken away and i had to be me again, just me. and it will be that way for a very long time. quite possibly for the rest of my life. letting go of who i was is one of the hardest things i have had to do. it's been almost a year and they way i feel has not changed. my heart is still broken, i love him more than anything, i still have those woe is me days where it seems like nothing will ever be ok and i miss him every single day but i know that there's room for me to love myself and the people in my life other than ryan. that became so apparent to me in the last couple of months when i found myself feeling happy because of the time i was spending with my friends and family. i am still alive, i didn't die along with him although for a long time it felt like i had. i can only hope to make him proud by leading my life in a way that he would approve of and so far, i'm think i'm doing good job.
