The truth just sounds different

if i' m not careful, i'll end up like this lovely lady

i want so desperately to want something.

since i can't find anything i really want other than delusions of grandeur, which include being a great musician, marrying a great and handsome musician, touring with great musicians, taking part in only great independent films with musicians, maybe? and of course being on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and winning a la slumdog style, i've decided to try some things i only kinda want.

this upcoming year i'm gonna try to make a big change in my life. not cause i want to, but because i need to. as much as it's gonna annoy the shit out of me, i'm gonna give school another try. i'm sick of people saying, "why aren't you in school?" and "you're too smart to let it go to waste". personally, i don't think i need college cause i'm pretty confident in my smartassness, thank you very much but it couldn't hurt, right? and i've always kinda wanted to be able to quote Tolstoy and Nietzsche in casual conversation just like those fast talking Dawson's Creek kids. that alone makes me kinda excited for school again.

this might hurt me the most. finding an additional job. i'm kinda one of those livesintheirhead people who doesn't really pay attention to things that really matter and is terrified of other people so i have no idea who would hire me. i do know that i'm not too happy with just taking care of my niece and hanging out. i've become a mother to child that isn't mine. if that's not reminiscent of  Rebecca De Mornay in "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle" then i don't know what is. (just kidding, i'm nowhere near as obsessive/hot/crazy as she was) i love her and i would do anything for her but it has stopped being enough. i know, it's quite shocking even to me that i'm craving more physical interaction than a 2 year old and a bat shit crazy dog so i guess it has to happen. i don't really care where i work as long as i'm not thinking so much. i'm not too good for myself. my only bad influence is me.

the thought of not looking like complete shit has also crossed my mind. so i guess i could work on that too. my sister and i thought it would be a great idea to throw away all of our crap clothes so that we're forced to buy new ones. it's kind of a must now cause it turns out she bitched out on me and i now have very little to wear. being crazy is okay but apparently looking it is unacceptable. sweet. didn't get that memo :/

voluteering is something i've always had great interest in. those babies with the flies buzzing around them break my heart and i'd give anything to save them but i'm gonna try to help on a smaller scale first. gotta crawl before you walk, right? my sister doesn't know it yet, but she's gonna be in on this one with me. maybe local hospitals, animal shelters... you are in my sights.

it upsets me how i've become semi content in the life i've been leading. if i was on the outside looking in, i 'd totally think i was a failure or that i just gave up. i don't want that. even though something horrible happened to me, i need to prove to myself that i'm stronger than this, that i might never be as happy or fullfilled but that i can atleast have some kind of a normal life. i'm still fairly young so i'm hoping doing these things will help make me into a woman cause i know i can't be a dumb kid forever. i just don't know when i'm supposed to get this feeling where i'm like, "holy shit, i'm a woman now!" getting my period didn't do it for me and neither did having sex (although it's been so long that i'm thinking about reclaiming my virginity) so maybe this will? i don't know but i have to atleast try. if it doesn't work then i'm just gonna have to go to plan b: have my own baby(i'm aware of the irony). or i could trek my ass off to africa and help those babies. who knows?

with that being said,

god bless bansky